Exploring Resistance
“The Iron Giant” produced by Warner Bros and directed by Brad Bird
A few months ago, I went to my massage therapist for some much needed care. As she was working on me we both noticed that my left shoulder (and basically the whole left side of my body) was locked up and pretty frozen. I left the session with a new appreciation for how my body was responding to a fall I’d had earlier in the year; it was impressive the walls that my body had thrown up to protect me from any further damage.
I went back a few weeks later and the same thing happened. New awareness, new appreciation. But then on top of that I felt added frustration. It wasn’t changing. The locked muscles stayed in place no matter how much she pushed and prodded. I had mentally processed the fall, but my body was still experiencing the distress of it. My body felt so disconnected from my mind and no amount of coaxing during that 90 minute massage was moving it to actually relax. She (my body) was still doing her best to shield me from harm. I walked away feeling defeated.
I was reminded of this in a session with a couple recently. I ask them to notice the resistance. Where were they were feeling angry or scared? And what was underneath the demands for their partner to change or to do something (not that the request itself isn’t valid)? What needs or attachment wounds were not being tended to?
The image that came to mind for me when the massage therapist was working on my back was the Iron Giant from the 1999 kid’s movie, which I haven't thought of in forever. It’s amazing what our minds bring up when given the space. I could see the Iron Giant in my mind’s eye protectively curled up around the knot and the frozen sensation in my back trying to keep me safe. It wasn’t until I sat with that image (and then later a more gentle technique was used instead of deeper pressure) that the stuck muscles were able to shift.
When we’re faced with “resistance” (as a therapist this is a hard word for me, because it can be thrown around and used against people, but I firmly believe we are resistant to things because we’re scared or angry about being hurt and rightfully so) the trick is to be gentle with it. To bring curiosity to it instead of responding with things like, “well, you always do that” or “you shouldn’t feel that way” or “I NEVER do that!” As tempting as that is to do.
Curiosity and empathy are the way in. It’s not always possible. Often times we can get extremely dysregulated. But how we find our way back to ourselves and to each other feels like the work of deep and lasting relationships. It wasn’t until I offered my body as much curiosity and time as it needed to unwind itself, that it was able to know it was safe and unlock the muscles causing the frozen sensation. When you feel stuck, give it space, show curiosity, and offer it empathy. It will shift when it’s ready to.